Posted by: LucidMystery | November 7, 2008

Hiding

One of my ways of dealing with something that I don’t want to deal with is by trying to add humor to it. Sometimes I do that to make myself come across less strongly. Sometimes I do it to mask how I really feel. Sometimes I just don’t want to face something.

The latter is probably my issue right now. I’m trying to think of anything to avoid what I’m really thinking. I just posted a blog listing a bunch of goofy dumb stuff I’ve done in that past. What about the stupid/dangerous dumb stuff I’m doing right now?

I don’t know why, but I’ve been hiding from God. I have been since a month or so before I moved here. All the while, I haven’t let on to anyone that it has been going on, and I’ve been telling myself that it isn’t the case. This is a dry spell, I say. All relationships have dry spells, right?  Except I’m causing this one. Maybe it’s my subconscious way of punishing God for taking me away from my friends and family, and the hard time I’ve had adjusting here. It’s self-pity, really. Sarah is thousands of miles away from friends or family. Catie moved two states away. So why am I wallowing? Good question. And worse yet, why am I blaming God? His plan is perfect and I theoretically know that. But my blatant hiding is shows that I apparently don’t believe it.

In spite of my efforts, there have been moments where He finds me and tries to calm my fears. In whatever short amount of time that is, I feel safe, comforted, and ok. But literally within seconds, this anxious yet arrogant self-relient feeling grabs me and I go back into hiding.

My quiet time has been suffering: I hardly ever read more than two or three verses a day, and my prayers have been cut short. I have to force myself to get into worship music, and I don’t feel guilty if I miss church.

 I don’t know how to shake this, and I really would appreciate your prayers.

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Responses

  1. My best friend is going through a similar dry spell. I told her maybe she shouldn’t fight her way out of the pit just yet. Maybe she should sit in there and embrace the poo. That suggestion seems to be working for her. It’s like with grief—you can’t rush yourself out of the grieving process…you have to live through the pain and feel through the pain. Maybe right now you need to feel through the dry spell.

    My friend also said God told her to just be still. That is another way to stop fighting or trying to claw your way back into closeness with God. Be still and let this period last however long it’s supposed to. Don’t punish yourself for feeling distant from God.

    That is my advice. I will pray for you to embrace the poo.

    Like


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